@Bizarro_Mark

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

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@AndrewsNotFunny

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

@SeanEmeny

People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?

@lucky_300

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

@ambamthankyamam

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

@Donna_McCoy

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

@Whitnuts

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

@caseytduncan

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.