just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go

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College guy: How do you like it?

Me: Salty…of course

*slaps down $20

CG: We’ll take two pretzels with salt

~Get outta the gutter pervs


Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!


My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.


I’m far too cute to only have one ex-husband.


Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.


Just did a spot on imitation of a new born calf while trying to gracefully exit a hammock.


COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang


I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.


UGH, I was planning this big romantic dinner for two and then my wife called to say she’d be home.