@KenJennings

just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go

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@jdforshort

College guy: How do you like it?

Me: Salty…of course

*slaps down $20

CG: We’ll take two pretzels with salt

~Get outta the gutter pervs

@SarcasticAlly12

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

@TragicAllyHere

My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.

@jnrbtsn

I’m far too cute to only have one ex-husband.

@Desert_Musings

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

@One_FineMess

Just did a spot on imitation of a new born calf while trying to gracefully exit a hammock.

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

@causticbob

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

@Brianhopecomedy

UGH, I was planning this big romantic dinner for two and then my wife called to say she’d be home.