You Might Also Like
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Fat chances are my favorite chances
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks