[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
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BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
why call it a “pork medallion” instead of a Hamulet
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.