Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
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I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Hamburger Hinderer.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]