@AndyAsAdjective

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

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@Angibangie

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

@FrazzleMyGimp

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

@batkaren

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

@bridger_w

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

@WilliamAder

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

@yonewt

Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.

@CroweJam

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

@Old_Pat_Bren

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.