Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
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My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
She was rare, like a goth jogging
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
early stone age tool
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”