This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
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“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp