@brendohare

Just saw a bag of McDonalds in the street. Unsure how this will affect brand. Could be good (free advertising) or bad (no one was eating it)

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@aka_fatman

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

@SteveDutzy

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

@murrman5

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

@BuckyIsotope

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

@dafloydsta

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

@Taylor_Stag

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

@mooses_mom_mar

Are you on Twitter?

No. But if I ever join I’ll send you a friend request.

That’s how you make people believe you aren’t on Twitter.

@Sean_Burgundy_

I hate when I meet a beautiful woman and have to leave bc someone who beat me in a rap battle is walking my way

@cjwerleman

Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I’ve heard for making racists dehydrate to death.