@ericas_twit

Just saw a billboard: $586.25 Complete cremation. 1) Is there partial cremation? 2) What’s the 25cents for?

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@FreudsTwin

I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?

@chuuew

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

@aissalanis

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

@noogscorner

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

@NewDadNotes

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

@Staggfilms

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

@BoogTweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

@SteveKoehler22

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

@Daveastated

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!