Just saw a billboard: $586.25 Complete cremation. 1) Is there partial cremation? 2) What’s the 25cents for?

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Mind: Be careful to protect yourself and don’t jump right in.



My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.


Oscar Wilde: Always be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.

Liam Neeson: I will find them.

Wilde: Wait, I meant-



*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*


My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.


As a Jew, I refuse to enter any steam room or sauna until I’ve seen other people come out.


Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.



Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?


The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.