Just saw a billboard: $586.25 Complete cremation. 1) Is there partial cremation? 2) What’s the 25cents for?

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I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?


[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale


Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.


Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.


Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?



God: technically that’s a tooth.


Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.


*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied


I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.


You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!