@ericas_twit

Just saw a billboard: $586.25 Complete cremation. 1) Is there partial cremation? 2) What’s the 25cents for?

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@Kyle_Lippert

Mind: Be careful to protect yourself and don’t jump right in.

Heart: CANNONBALL!!!

@HatfieldAnne

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

@Audenary

Oscar Wilde: Always be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.

Liam Neeson: I will find them.

Wilde: Wait, I meant-

Neeson: EVERYONE

@Mardigroan

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

@DannyZuker

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

@Vodkantots

As a Jew, I refuse to enter any steam room or sauna until I’ve seen other people come out.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

@Dani_Feld

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

@sixfootcandy

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.