I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?
Just saw a billboard: $586.25 Complete cremation. 1) Is there partial cremation? 2) What’s the 25cents for?
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[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I have a book to read on
I bought it in 2007.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!