Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
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Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.