Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
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Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Tony Hawk, age 6
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
No regrets in 2018
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff