Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
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According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.