Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
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They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
dads on road-trips be like
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
My work here is done
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
oh u like geography? name every lake
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
We have a winner.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything