If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
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So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.