@missekay

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

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@walks_on_legs

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

@liv_thatsme

I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.

@PuncherJetpack

“Hey bro shotgun this beer”
No I don’t drink
“You wanna be cool don’t you?”
I don’t drink
“C’mon NERD!”
Grandma PLEASE stop

@brynnester

[Flight]
Cabin Crew: The pilot & co are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane?
Harrison Ford: I can
CC: Anyone else at all?

@TheDairylandDon

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

@HatfieldAnne

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

@CakeThrottle

I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I’ve never been there

@Parkerlawyer

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

@Scdavis24

Tip Of the Day: You can easily avoid bruising your thigh by not staring at a female jogger and then walking into a fire hydrant.

@batkaren

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.