4-year-old: What does God smell like?
4-year-old: With cheese?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
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Me: I thought I told you no more snacking
8: it’s an energy bar
Me: then why are there m&m’s on them?
8: duh…that’s where the energy comes from
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Alligators gonna alligate
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages