Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
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yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?