Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
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pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”