Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
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put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Who’s ready for Friday?!
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.