At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
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After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude