Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

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Bartender: “Do you want a drink, miss?”nnMe: “What are my choices?”nnBartender: “Yes or No.”


If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don’t be open.


People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.


If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good


[guy wearing a ski mask holds a gun to my head] “please go skiing with me I am so alone”


God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea


Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.


People think it’s great if you like kids but will freak out if you assign an age.

I like 10 year olds.

See? Creepy. I’ll wait in the van.


The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.