just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
You Might Also Like
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Buck naked
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.