[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
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Trains are just sideway elevators.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Very good news from my accountant
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
me 2 months after i graduated
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter