Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn’t just painted on.

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Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.


God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.


[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind


Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…


My husband went camping w/ his buddies. He packed a hatchet, 2 liters of Jack & a 3yo’s Hello Kitty sleeping bag. He’s gonna die out there.


21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”


“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting


My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”


Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.


If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.