Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn’t just painted on.
You Might Also Like
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My husband went camping w/ his buddies. He packed a hatchet, 2 liters of Jack & a 3yo’s Hello Kitty sleeping bag. He’s gonna die out there.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.