Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
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I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend