@DeepDarkFear

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

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@Jam453Lane

My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.

@treydayway

I stopped trying to be a thug when I found out there was something called a caramel Frappuccino.

@Beakmoo

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

@PeachCoffin

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

@shalaylaa

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

@kingsleyyy

Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?

@BlindChow

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

@parilani

husband: babe what do we need from the store

me: how did you get this number

@Cpin42

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.