@asimplesean

Just saw a dog with three legs. He did have a fourth leg, but he also had three legs.

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@Tmoney68

Don’t think you’re immune. We’re all just a whim away from singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” Yes, a whim away…a whim away…a whim away.

@Writethatdown12

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

@iwearaonesie

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

@loribuckmajor

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

@webofevil

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

@ConanOBrien

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

@UnFitz

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

@captainkalvis

me: *pulling the covers up* five more minutes

nurse: sir if we don’t use the defibrillator now your heart will stop for good

@Playing_Dad

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.