GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
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This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.