My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
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*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Bike is short for Bichael.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
This is the one