Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
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I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Solving a traffic jam
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK