@CrackYouWhip

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

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@raydevito

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

@anerdonfire2

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

@treywafer

Black magic is kinda racist, but it’s better than nigga wizardry

@BareChesty

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

@rexatrad

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

@simoncholland

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.