My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
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‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Black magic is kinda racist, but it’s better than nigga wizardry
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.