@StainsQueen

Just saw a fish on tinder and he was holding a huge ass human he caught

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@NicestHippo

*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”

@Brentweets

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

@Cpin42

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

@B1gBrainsMcGee

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

@Home_Halfway

[1912]

ME: I’m gonna tickle you!

CAPTAIN: Hahaha come on stop

ME: Tickle tickle!

CAPTAIN: Haha stop it, I gotta drive this huge ship

ME: Tickling you more!

CAPTAIN: Hahahaha hold on hold on lemme get us around this iceberg

@beermanboobs

Oh, you said floppy DISK.
*pulls pants back up*
Yeah, I don’t know what that is.

@Greg_1_Leg

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.