GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
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I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Teach your children to beatbox
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”