Just saw a fish on tinder and he was holding a huge ass human he caught

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*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”


“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.


My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.


Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35



ME: I’m gonna tickle you!

CAPTAIN: Hahaha come on stop

ME: Tickle tickle!

CAPTAIN: Haha stop it, I gotta drive this huge ship

ME: Tickling you more!

CAPTAIN: Hahahaha hold on hold on lemme get us around this iceberg


Oh, you said floppy DISK.
*pulls pants back up*
Yeah, I don’t know what that is.


Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.