Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
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M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*