Just saw a five year old in a track suit & a gold chain. His nana didn’t think it was funny when I asked him if he could hook up some blow.

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my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game


Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!


When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.


Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?


A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.


[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg


When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.


Thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 15 min before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a squirrel.


This Tik Tok video of a kid eating a huge burger while an entire restaurant increasingly loses their shit is the only thing bringing me base human joy rn.