Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
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Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question