@CelebrityChez

Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.

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@FuckabillyRex

Fill your coffee maker with cake mix for an amazingly delicious yet entirely unexpected Thursday morning.

@mommajessiec

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

@BookishBunny

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

@sadgirlkms

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

@serendipitydon1

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

@DaHess1

People think it’s great if you like kids but will freak out if you assign an age.

I like 10 year olds.

See? Creepy. I’ll wait in the van.

@AmishPornStar1

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

@MadameSnippy

I’m the only stalker I know with OCD. After I break in to watch you sleep, I fold your laundry.

@stevevsninjas

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

@KenJennings

Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell “definitely.”