Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.

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Her: Why did you cancel your gym membership?

Me: There were some changes in the vending machines that I didn’t agree with


5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool


Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.


dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real


I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.


Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?


Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.


Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way


What I learned from watching Star Trek: Nothing. I’ve never watched Star Trek. I am popular with friends. We don’t do that.


Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.