Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.

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Fill your coffee maker with cake mix for an amazingly delicious yet entirely unexpected Thursday morning.


[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.


Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.


Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.


cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit


“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.


People think it’s great if you like kids but will freak out if you assign an age.

I like 10 year olds.

See? Creepy. I’ll wait in the van.


With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.


I’m the only stalker I know with OCD. After I break in to watch you sleep, I fold your laundry.


You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.


Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell “definitely.”