Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
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ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
April 1st is the class clown of days.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Sheep
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
How does one answer this?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Can’t, holding a grudge
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.