Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
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Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.