Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
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Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
God has abandoned us.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
bury ourselves
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”