@KateQFunny

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

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@Burger_Time_

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

@preritpathak

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

@ShesARealGenius

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

@Reverend_Scott

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

@Dawn_M_

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

@pilau

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

@lenadunham

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

@Marlebean

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

@beccafacexo

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

@TheRobCee

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”