Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading “Hungry Hungry Hobo”. I shouldn’t laugh right?

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Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?

Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?


so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one


The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.


This week I’ve learned no one was washing their hands, people think toilet paper prevents viruses and some of you have VERY strong feelings about the potato button on your microwave.

We’re all going to die, aren’t we?


Go into a bathroom stall and write: “For A Good Time Call Your Mother. She Misses You & Enjoys Hearing Your Voice.”


Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car


Me: how do you say yes in French?

Wife: oui.



Me: how do we say yes in French?


I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups