If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
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me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Terribly Tuesday.
My time has come.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.