@ImKevinito

Just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Which probably explains why he’s homeless.

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@dblackattack

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

@FuckabillyRex

Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.

@PimpBillClinton

Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.

@Jarhead44

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

@ThisOneSayz

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

@twitinfected

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

@ImFordTough

Pretty awesome how you can buy chocolates on February 13th and everyone assumes you have a girlfriend & not a grudge w/ your neighbor’s dog.

@fillthevacuum

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

@trojansauce

[being held back from my burning house by firemen]

get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE

@lincnotfound

netflix: *bursts through door while iโ€™m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!