The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
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There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
A duv-egg? In this economy?
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.