
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Which probably explains why he’s homeless.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.
Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Pretty awesome how you can buy chocolates on February 13th and everyone assumes you have a girlfriend & not a grudge w/ your neighbor’s dog.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
[being held back from my burning house by firemen]
get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE
netflix: *bursts through door while iโm using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!