Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Which probably explains why he’s homeless.
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*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
Twitter is a beautiful place sometimes.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!
If I ever noticed you waving frantically from inside a burning building I would totally wave back because I’m polite.