@ImKevinito

Just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Which probably explains why he’s homeless.

You Might Also Like

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

@dogsrverycool

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

@TweetsByTheTony

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

@djdarrellripley

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

@Pundamentalism

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

@missusmelis

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

@bobvulfov

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

@TimB5150

I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!

@VenusRockHobbit

If I ever noticed you waving frantically from inside a burning building I would totally wave back because I’m polite.