Going to church you guys need anything
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[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.