Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
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My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.