Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
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[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.