Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
How to properly lift a body
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
*weighs self after shaving
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”