@Tmoney68

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

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@CommonSavant

They say breakfast cheesecake is the most important cheesecake of the day.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

@meganamram

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

@TheToddWilliams

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

@dmc1138

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

@TCsSideBitch

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

@radtoria

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

@aecide

Saw my neighbor in a peeing contest with his dog on his porch.

My mum said there’d be days like this but she never said there’d be so many.

@cloudypianos

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

@iwearaonesie

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*