Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Dead
Alive
Other✔
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.