Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
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Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.