just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
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getting corrected
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.