*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
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My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the “body of Christ” right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off
Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon
God: yo I gotchu
God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*
Me: wait no