Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
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[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?