@JamesonN7

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

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@lazerdoov

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

@WorkingMom86

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

@JessObsess

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

@renesosa12

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

@desi_princess

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

@PetrickSara

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

@Jake_Vig

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

@julcasagrande

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

@CarolinaSong

Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the “body of Christ” right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off

@theconradical

Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon

God: yo I gotchu

God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*

Me: wait no