@KimmyMonte

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

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@weedswildflowrs

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

@HatfieldAnne

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

@ticknada

Cops: You were driving while intoxicated nnMe: I was in no condition to walk

@welfarehoe

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

@AndyAsAdjective

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

@AudreyPorne

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

@pilau

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

@StephenAtHome

Trump called Kim Jong Un a “smart cookie.” That’s crazy — he reminds me more of a “murderous soft cheese.”

@JimmerThatisAll

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.