just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

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To whoever lost their iPhone 11 Pro outside Target 30 minutes ago, please stop calling my new phone.


I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”


So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”


[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?


I only had one beer Cupcake

Can i call you Cupcake?


Okay, I only had one beer Officer.


My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.


me: so i was watching mindhunter

911: right

me: they said serial killers are mean to animals

911: k

me: a guy at work said he doesn’t like dogs

911: that’s not rea-

me: no you don’t understand, my dog was there

911: sir i need to end thi-

me: he said it TO HIS FACE


Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.