just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

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Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.


Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.


Cops: You were driving while intoxicated nnMe: I was in no condition to walk


CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.


“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]


a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee


boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?


Trump called Kim Jong Un a “smart cookie.” That’s crazy — he reminds me more of a “murderous soft cheese.”


When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.