@HallpassCanada

Just saw a really hot woman in 9inch heels pay for a plasma tv with ones.. I could be wrong but i think she might be a librarian.

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@RobbyActually

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life ūüôā

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

@TuffyNyC

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

@causticbob

The kidnapper rang and said “¬£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“¬£20,000 and she’s all yours”

@jesus

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

@the_hawlk

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.

@shadonium

Kid: What’s a man?

Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you.

Kid: When i grow up, I’ll be a man like mom

@BigJDubz

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

@DamienFahey

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.