Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
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My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Care for your back
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.