Just saw a shooting star. The crime in this galaxy is getting out of hand.

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Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.


Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.


* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts


*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
*punches hole in wall*


3 horrible things in life: 1) Seeing your mom cry. 2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else. 3) Slow Internet.


Drinking game. Make the drunkest person in the room call in a Chinese food order. Every time they have to repeat themselves, take a shot.


Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.


[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”


[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?