I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
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Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing