@Mikecanrant

Just saw a shooting star. The crime in this galaxy is getting out of hand.

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@mommajessiec

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

@candy_badass

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

@TheAlexP

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

@SirEviscerate

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

@FreddyAmazin

3 horrible things in life: 1) Seeing your mom cry. 2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else. 3) Slow Internet.

@PrettiestPickle

Drinking game. Make the drunkest person in the room call in a Chinese food order. Every time they have to repeat themselves, take a shot.

@Donna_McCoy

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

@thepunningman

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

@KalvinMacleod

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?