I run faster when I hear country music than sirens.
Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.
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Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I hope we’ve all come to the realization that huggers were the problem all along.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I have on my new shoes today. They are so cute, and comfortable, as long as I don’t stand in them or walk in them.
You’re leaving Twitter? For good? That’s too bad. We’ll miss you. See you next week!