My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
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I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy