Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.

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Yes advice is free, but so are throat punches


By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?


[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked


If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?


Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have


First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”


Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.


guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.


Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.