Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
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[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Facebook Twitter
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.