Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
You Might Also Like
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
me and the Superbowl rn
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.